We Have A Plan

I have been waiting to give an update on the actual transplant list but there hasn't been any new developments, so I will list here what we know so far (spoiler alert: it's not much). 1) We haven't received any paperwork yet. We have heard just getting the paperwork/application can take one to six months. 2) When we do, apparently they will need character references. We don't know how many, but for those interested, Patrick will be conducting interviews and there will be an application packet due... Just kidding. But seriously, flex those muscles because we may be calling on some of you 🥰 3) We have been hearing that they always deny you the first time. I don't know if this means the second application will take another six months. When I know more I will put another update here. But we're almost guaranteed a denial the first time around. 4) Once approved, Patrick will be moving to Seattle. It's the only way to guarantee his spot on the list should a heart become available. Alaska is simply too far away to count on purchasing a ticket and flying out in the very short window allowed when a donor heart is waiting. If Patrick is still in AK they WILL give it to someone else. That's all we know, folks. I wish it wasn't so up in the air; so uncertain. I wish there was a guarantee Patrick will make it to the list. But we never know what the future holds for us. Until then, your prays and positive thoughts are appreciated!

More Of My Thoughts

* I wrote this yesterday but forgot to post it - Just more of my thoughts * We were writing down all of the "episodes" Patrick was experiencing. We thought this might help his doctors, but instead they gave him a communicator that sends daily reports to their system so they can check in and see how he's doing. Plus it turned out they were mostly instances where his ICD kicked in to correct abnormal rhythms rather than large defibrillator shocks to correct what Patrick calls "widow-makers." Both of us are struggling mentally with what's going on. Patrick says at times he feels like he could hike five miles through the snow. He feels healthy, like a normal 53 year old who is ready to enjoy the second half of his life. But he says it's upsetting that moments later that feeling can be taken away and he's reminded his heart is dying. There are times when I can forget what we are facing, and I organize a family craft night or we go shopping - yes, all six of us - and we play Marco Polo in Fred Meyer. Then there are other times where I wonder if I'll be able to afford the house when he's gone, or how I'll handle the girls crying and saying they miss their dad, or how to tell people kindly that no, I don't want to start dating. We have had so many conversations that a couple should never have to have, that it's disturbing, funny, and just plain sad. I tell Patrick I'll sell his favorite guns with OBO stickers on them. He says he'll come back to haunt me if I date anyone not worthy of me. Over the years he has built up some inventory so I can, "keep the shop running for a while." I don't want to think about what life will be like without him, but on the other hand I have to. I don't have a choice. I'm not entirely joking when I say with a laugh, "I'll have to rent the Carlson Center for his funeral," because those are worries I am having to have now, when he's sitting beside me, or having coffee with me, or while I watch him play with our kids. The truth is that I don't know how much time he has. God willing, he'll make it to the heart transplant and I'll have another twenty years with him, or more. We'll celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary in 2040. But if God wants a warrior and takes him before I'm ready, I need to be prepared. Patrick knows this. This morning we were talking about what will happen when he moves on to the other side. "I'm just trying to make light of the situation," he said. Then he listed several people I'm not allowed to date after he dies. 😆

Living With A Grateful Heart

We're trying to make a lot of small videos like this one. Maybe someday I'll put them in a montage. Today I would prefer to enjoy the real thing. Today is our 14th wedding anniversary. There was a time when someone told me Patrick should have told me about his family history of heart disease when we started dating. I thought it was absurd. They were implying I could have chosen to find someone else instead of dating the guy who made me incredibly happy. I'm glad we have had these last fifteen years together. I'm glad we got married when we did, and I'm glad we have created our perfect little family with unique, special kids and a love between he and I that has stood the test of time. This last year has been tough. Man, has it been tough! But we live each day as though we have forever stretching out in front of us; as though our time together isn't limited. We may not achieve everything on our bucket list before Patrick is taken home, but that's okay. He and I are living the biggest bucket list item, and that's being loved unconditionally by our spouse. It's a dream many never achieve. Thanks to everyone who follows this page, everyone in our church and everyone in our support network. We feel the love, and we return it <3