Old Dreams & New Dreams

When Patrick and I first started dating we made a lot of plans. He was a bit older than me but as many of you know, his youthful personality drives away any perception of age. We had so much fun and felt like we had the world at our fingertips. We were overjoyed to find out we were pregnant with our oldest. Life couldn't get any better. The dreams we had included vacations as a family, buying a home, homeschooling our kids, exploring Alaska, and spending decades together while we watched our family grow and blossom until we were both old and gray (although Patrick was already gray when I met him *snicker*) When I was just a few months pregnant and we hadn't even been together for a year, Patrick fell sick with a horrible flu and refused to go to the doctor. At that point he hadn't told me that ten years prior he had had a heart attack, and he didn't tell me that for ten years he had eschewed the medication suggestions of doctors. When he collapsed in our hallway unconscious and I was unable to rouse him for several seconds I managed to convince him to go to the doctor. After a several misdiagnoses that included gall bladder disease and pancreatitis, and an illness that wasn't getting any better with treatment, an emergency room doctor finally ordered a chest x-ray that should have been done at the very beginning, and diagnosed Patrick with congestive heart failure, with a heart twice the size of a healthy adult. Our dreams all but faded that day as we met with the doctor. You often hear, "Our world was turned upside down." Ours certainly was, especially when the doctor began talking about how our focus now was to be on quality of life. What began after that moment became our journey to Our New Normal. Over the years we have reached many New Normals, most recently being the decreased heart function and our quest to get Patrick on the heart transplant list. But through it all we have found joy in living the life we have created together. It took us a while to get the house (we purchased one this year), and when our oldest was born with a disability we found the courage to put her in public school and watched her thrive in the new environment. Other dreams fell by the wayside, delayed but not forgotten. So while our story has not been finished and we are still very much in the revision stage, we find joys to add in and celebrate every day, blessings written in the margins to be thankful for, and laughter to pepper the way with happiness.

Thankful For Your Support & Prayers

I was thinking about this just this morning. The effect cold air has on Patrick - not our unique brand of humor 😆 There was a time back in 2005 when he could barely make it from the front door of Fred Meyer to our car, parked in the closest handicap spot to the front of the store. Collapse was a real fear, because I was either hugely pregnant or holding a newborn around that time. There would be no way for me to rescue my own husband and I would have to call for help. I still don't know why cold air was such a debilitating factor, so if anyone knows the specifics of that, please enlighten me. But I have waited for that to be the case over the last fourteen years and haven't seen it as bad as it was back then. Perhaps now with the declining health of his heart it will make a reappearance. We don't know what the future will bring. We don't know if Patrick will make it to the heart transplant, nor do we know if he will receive one and be around for another twenty years. But we do know our support network is vast, like a fishing net that covers the entire continent of North America and beyond. We feel your support - every prayer and every positive thought aimed in Patrick's direction. And we give thanks in our prayers every day for all of them, and for our friends and family. 💕

Bring It On

When Patrick was in the ICU they let him out to visit with the kids and I because children aren't allowed (for their protection). Samuel particularly liked Patrick's portable EKG wires 😆 I don't like to think that scenes like this will be a regular occurence over the coming years, but the truth is that they already kind of are... The kids and I have gone into the ER with him at 9pm and not gotten home until passed midnight. We've cancelled plans because Patrick was tired. He flew out in 2013 for several days to get a new pacemaker, and we dealt with the realities of his recovery when he got home. The way we deal with it is situations like this - taking photos of Patrick smiling. So what if he's wearing a hospital gown? So what if he has an IV in his arm? One of my FAVORITE photos is of him holding Laura when she was just a few minutes old. He's reaching for her cheek with a finger on a hand that still has an IV strapped to it, and you can see the top of his bypass incision where they had opened his chest. What matters is he was there, and we have photographic proof of the joy of the moment. So bring on the IVs. Bring on the procedures, medications, surgeries, and hospitalizations. If it means Patrick is still here, I will wield a camera like it's a third arm and document the story of our family so future generations can see what strength and love look like ❤