I've been notified that because I used the "D" word in my last post, some of our friends thought Patrick had passed away. He didn't. He's still here, being a blessing and monumental pain in my ass. Simultaneously. He's *that* good. So I suppose an explanation is warranted. I said what I said because in our situation death is never far from my mind. I don't talk about it a lot to Patrick for obvious reasons. We like to focus on the fact that he's still here. Every v-tach, every low blood pressure reading, every med change, feels like Death taking a step closer - inching towards us like the enemy he is, ready to reach out and grab Patrick while my back is turned. I can't stand it. I am weary from the balancing act we are forced to live. We balance two cardiologists spouting two entirely different prognoses. We balance plans for our summer with "who gets what" when he dies. We balance planning work schedules and kid activities with never knowing if Patrick will be well enough to operate a full, productive day. I'm weary of thinking of a future without him, but there is no escape from that. It's our life. It's a path we may be forced to take. Monday, kidney stone. Tuesday, low blood pressure. Wednesday, v-tach and funeral arrangements. Thursday, appointment for new glasses. My brain never shuts off. It is never quiet. I apologize for the confusion I created. Seeing Patrick receive a bear hug from someone who had suspected the worst was eye opening. I often write when emotions are high. I will certainly be more careful with my words from now on. Patrick had a follow-up with a second cardiologist here in town, and it was more optimistic than his meeting with the first. It's so confusing - and it sometimes feels unfair - that no two doctors have the same outlook on Patrick's medical future. At least this second one recommended that Patrick travel to Washington soon to see the electrophysiologist who performed the ablation in May 2020 for a follow up. I have great respect for doctors who know they are not God and don't have the answers for everything. When we know more, I'll write about it here. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!
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