Here We Go Again :(

"Onward and yonward!"

For those of you who don't know who Nature Cat is on PBS, this is one of the cartoon character's catch phrases. 

I feel like it should become mine.

Patrick had a big heart event yesterday evening. It was about 10pm and we were watching TV. It came on fast, and while it was happening I didn't actually believe it was happening. 

That is, until Patrick's arms dropped and lifted, dropped and lifted. That's when the tears came.

We have a call in to Porter Heart for confirmation that it was indeed a v-tach, which the ablation was supposed to stop. But since it happened again today at the shop at 2pm, we don't really need that confirmation call.

Onward and yonward. 

The ablation was a failure. One doctor was hopeful, while the other said it was the most difficult ablation he had ever performed. This does nothing to dampen our confidence in the U-Dub team. 

Onward and yonward.

Patrick still has his appointment in Seattle on the 25th. We likely won't hear anything from the cardiac team until that day, which is why I chose to write another post - to get this out of my head. To relieve pressure. To share this burden of disappointment with everyone who loves us so much. 

Patrick is talking in terms of not having a lot of time left on this earth. I'm talking more in terms of his extended stay in Seattle while he waits for a transplant. Sometimes I feel the doom and gloom, but I at least want to plan heavily for that segment of our life. I want to plan for it like it's guaranteed to happen, and he won't leave me a widow sooner than we expected. 

So over the last 24 hours we have spoken of innumerable subjects - verbal preparations for the physical hardships we may be forced to endure sooner than we anticipated. The house, the shop, finances, fuel, potty training our youngest, lodging for Patrick, my inability to make knives. 

Onward and yonward, Haley. Onward and yonward.