More Of My Thoughts

* I wrote this yesterday but forgot to post it - Just more of my thoughts * We were writing down all of the "episodes" Patrick was experiencing. We thought this might help his doctors, but instead they gave him a communicator that sends daily reports to their system so they can check in and see how he's doing. Plus it turned out they were mostly instances where his ICD kicked in to correct abnormal rhythms rather than large defibrillator shocks to correct what Patrick calls "widow-makers." Both of us are struggling mentally with what's going on. Patrick says at times he feels like he could hike five miles through the snow. He feels healthy, like a normal 53 year old who is ready to enjoy the second half of his life. But he says it's upsetting that moments later that feeling can be taken away and he's reminded his heart is dying. There are times when I can forget what we are facing, and I organize a family craft night or we go shopping - yes, all six of us - and we play Marco Polo in Fred Meyer. Then there are other times where I wonder if I'll be able to afford the house when he's gone, or how I'll handle the girls crying and saying they miss their dad, or how to tell people kindly that no, I don't want to start dating. We have had so many conversations that a couple should never have to have, that it's disturbing, funny, and just plain sad. I tell Patrick I'll sell his favorite guns with OBO stickers on them. He says he'll come back to haunt me if I date anyone not worthy of me. Over the years he has built up some inventory so I can, "keep the shop running for a while." I don't want to think about what life will be like without him, but on the other hand I have to. I don't have a choice. I'm not entirely joking when I say with a laugh, "I'll have to rent the Carlson Center for his funeral," because those are worries I am having to have now, when he's sitting beside me, or having coffee with me, or while I watch him play with our kids. The truth is that I don't know how much time he has. God willing, he'll make it to the heart transplant and I'll have another twenty years with him, or more. We'll celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary in 2040. But if God wants a warrior and takes him before I'm ready, I need to be prepared. Patrick knows this. This morning we were talking about what will happen when he moves on to the other side. "I'm just trying to make light of the situation," he said. Then he listed several people I'm not allowed to date after he dies. 😆