Let Me Have It

“Aww.” Patrick says I say that a lot. Not like, “Aww, how cute.” But like, “Aww, a kitten.” A sick kitten. A starving kitten. “Aww.” I say it when he says he doesn’t feel well, and when he says he is having a heart event. I say it every single time. He pointed it out, I think, because it annoys him. But I told him, “Let me have it.” Let me have this instinctual reaction my mind has developed to situations that touch my heart; to situations that provoke a reaction from me rooted in empathy and concern. Let me have it. There are situations in our life together where I lack empathy. One popped up recently where I had to tell Patrick afterwards, “I’m not a saint.” It was a hard time, and while I won’t go into great detail, I can summarize it here. When someone is sick or uncomfortable it can affect their mood. Patrick often mentions his dad, who passed away in 1989 from a very similar condition to what Patrick now suffers from. He tells me, “I understand why we had to walk on eggshells around him.” I wish I had been able to meet Patrick’s dad. He was a formidable person, but I believe he loved his family fiercely. But I can understand when you face the end of your life much earlier than you ever would have anticipated, and you have to do it while nauseous all the time, in pain, and suffering from heart episodes that leave you wondering, “Is this the one?”, that you won’t always be in a good mood. And who is closest to you? Who are the easiest targets? Your loved ones. I have cautioned Patrick, “You shouldn’t chase away the people who love you the most.” You guys know him. You know his joking personality, his zest for life, his precociousness. He is somehow a grown man, a toddler, and a teenager, all wrapped up into one body. He picks his nose on the church live feed. He has cultivated lasting friendships with random cashiers at Fred Meyer, often loudly asking them if the party is at their house and if they’ll supply the booze. He tells bazaar goers not to loiter at his table in a strange and weirdly successful attempt to strike up a conversation and draw them into his space. He is a character. But that’s not to say the jokes are always nice, or the comments warranted. There is a darker side to chronic illness, and that is how it can affect someone’s mood. While I implore you to have grace for your loved ones afflicted with the pain and discomfort often associated with these ailments, I also suggest you care for yourself as well. Yourself. The caregivers. The loved ones they chase away. I am fully aware my role as “caregiver” is not what it could be. My role entails the occasional mad dash from outside because a child has come to tell me Dad is having a heart episode. Its occasionally applying the blood pressure cuff and frantically looking for the oximeter. Its rubbing his back, cradling his head to my stomach as the episode roars through his body and we both pray. But thats 1% of the time we spend together. My role as caregiver is not full time. I am wife. Friend. Confidante. Patrick and I clash sometimes. It happens, especially with two people as polar opposites as he and I. His vivaciousness collides with my tranquil nature. His jokes invade my calm. My chaotic organization is in direct opposition to his desire for an empty sink and folded laundry. But a long time ago a wise man gave a message on EGR - Extra Grace Required. He said there will be people in our lives whose presence require we up the ante on grace-giving; that we operate in a manner that filters our interactions with these people through a prerequisite of grace. Patrick is often one of these people. And that’s one of the reasons why I love him. He keeps me on my toes. I said earlier that I am not a saint. I have my own feelings and emotions, my own reactions to life’s hardships, and my own coping mechanisms. One of those is to immediately draw on my empathetic nature and to respond with, “Aww,” when something touches my heart. And Patrick’s pain and suffering will always - ALWAYS - touch my heart. So let me have it. Being human is a singularly extraordinary and unique experience. Before my life is over I plan to run the gamut of emotions, because I can. That includes love, anger, happiness, confusion, surprise, sadness, and yes - empathy.

Addressing Confusion, And More Updates

I've been notified that because I used the "D" word in my last post, some of our friends thought Patrick had passed away. He didn't. He's still here, being a blessing and monumental pain in my ass. Simultaneously. He's *that* good. So I suppose an explanation is warranted. I said what I said because in our situation death is never far from my mind. I don't talk about it a lot to Patrick for obvious reasons. We like to focus on the fact that he's still here. Every v-tach, every low blood pressure reading, every med change, feels like Death taking a step closer - inching towards us like the enemy he is, ready to reach out and grab Patrick while my back is turned. I can't stand it. I am weary from the balancing act we are forced to live. We balance two cardiologists spouting two entirely different prognoses. We balance plans for our summer with "who gets what" when he dies. We balance planning work schedules and kid activities with never knowing if Patrick will be well enough to operate a full, productive day. I'm weary of thinking of a future without him, but there is no escape from that. It's our life. It's a path we may be forced to take. Monday, kidney stone. Tuesday, low blood pressure. Wednesday, v-tach and funeral arrangements. Thursday, appointment for new glasses. My brain never shuts off. It is never quiet. I apologize for the confusion I created. Seeing Patrick receive a bear hug from someone who had suspected the worst was eye opening. I often write when emotions are high. I will certainly be more careful with my words from now on. Patrick had a follow-up with a second cardiologist here in town, and it was more optimistic than his meeting with the first. It's so confusing - and it sometimes feels unfair - that no two doctors have the same outlook on Patrick's medical future. At least this second one recommended that Patrick travel to Washington soon to see the electrophysiologist who performed the ablation in May 2020 for a follow up. I have great respect for doctors who know they are not God and don't have the answers for everything. When we know more, I'll write about it here. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!

Overwhelmed With Life - Patrick's Declining Health

I recently read an article that described death as a, “Heart-stealing, soul-sucking asshole.” I know this to be true. And with the events of this week fresh in my mind, it seemed relevant to share here. After my last post Patrick declined rapidly. The illness paired with a bad heart sent him back to the hospital. There are two things I would like to preface those details with before I lay them out for you. First, I do not know hospital policies. I don’t know by what criteria they decide who to admit for observation and/or treatment, and who to send home. But I’m fairly certain that a cardiac patient with a recent history of v-tachs and who is besieged by an awful illness causing more, powerful v-tachs, should not be sent home. And second, as evidenced by the events of Wednesday night, sometimes the “paramedic team inside Patrick’s chest” is not sufficient to keep his heart in normal rhythm. Things go wrong. Things get scary. Telling him, “Your pacemaker is doing its job,” seems insensitive at best. Especially when it is proven mere hours later that it is in fact NOT doing its job. As I said earlier, Patrick didn’t feel safe at home. His heart was still acting up and he felt sickness through his entire body. At 8:30p he decided to drive himself back to the hospital. He left, and I messaged our church’s prayer group, requesting prayer. Patrick called me at 8:56p to tell me he was just a couple miles from home and his heart was acting up. I asked as I always do, “Do you want me to call 911?” He said to wait, but it was a bad one. It intensified, scaring both of us, before it began to subside. He almost hung up the phone when the episode began to intensify once again. I could hear the fear in his voice. I messaged the prayer group at 9:02p, “Please pray, he’s so scared. He's having a bad episode.” “I’m worried I won’t make it to the hospital.” He cursed, telling me he was pouring sweat. The fear in both of us grew. He said his heart was burning. I think he and I were both questioning his decision to drive himself. “Do you want me to call 911?” By this time it was 9:03p, and he said he would rather try to make it to the hospital than park and certainly die on the side of the highway. I was powerless. We were both crying. He told me he loved me and that he didn’t want to die. Two minutes later - an eternity - he made it to the hospital parking lot and hung up. I messaged the prayer group, “He never should have come home today, they never should have let him go.” I spoke with a friend of ours, and then our pastor’s wife, and messaged back and forth with a few others. Our friend and church networks, though they may not realize it, supported me through yet again one of the hardest times in my life. At 9:19 Patrick called. I was so relieved. He was alive. I thought he would be telling me that he was fine and they were going to keep him overnight. But his voice was scared and uneven, and I could tell something was still wrong with his body. “I love you. They’re going to shock me. My heart -” “You need to hang up the phone,” I heard a woman’s voice say in the background. “Is that your wife? You can call her later.” “I need to go but I love you, Haley. I love you so much.” I’m not even sure if I was able to say it back before he hung up. Shock him? That sounded… Horrifying. But if it's what they had to do to get his heart to go back into a normal rhythm, all I could do was lean on the fact that God had him, and that he was in the best place he could be for a time like this. He called again at 9:38p to let me know they had to use the external defibrillator twice on him to get his heart to slow down to a normal rhythm. He was sedated although he swore he was awake for the whole thing. It didn’t work the first time so they had to do it again. So you tell me, how was his pacemaker “doing what it was supposed to do,” if he was in a v-tach episode for thirty minutes? It’s by the grace of God that Patrick is here today. It has been several days and I’m still upset over the whole thing. I found out that our friend was able to be with him when the hospital staff shocked him, and I am so thankful for that. I can't imagine being scared and alone, afraid he was going to die, with no familiar face in that emergency department room. For our friend - you are a Godsend. Our pastor was allowed to sit with Patrick when they moved him to the ICU, and I finally received some more information via text. He said the cardiologist adjusted the levels at which Patrick receives corrective pacing and shocks from his pacemaker/defibrillator, to lower those thresholds so we don’t have a repeat of this event. He also said that Patrick was saying he knew what he needed to do - that Seattle might not wait until September like we had hoped. He also addressed something that brings tears to my eyes - whether Samuel will remember him if he dies soon. Remember when I said that death is a heart-stealing, soul-sucking asshole? Death doesn’t care if not enough memories have been made, not enough photos taken or videos created. Death doesn’t care if goodbyes haven’t been said, kisses and hugs not given. Our pastor said he has a memory of his own father from when he was three, and he assured me Samuel will remember Patrick. I have to hold onto that - to cradle it close to my heart when I am faced with fearful times in the coming days. Patrick has a larger than life personality, so it stands to reason that the memories he and Samuel have made thus far will be so powerful that they will remain embedded in Samuel’s mind for the rest of his life. Patrick came home Thursday morning. He said the cardiologist he saw in the hospital told him, “You’re out of options.” He explained that the Seattle doctors say he is not a candidate for a repeat ablation because his blood pressure dropped dangerously low during the last ablation. I can’t remember the specifics, but Dr. Akhoum from Seattle told me over the phone that the blood pressure dropping happened when they were doing what needed to be done to pinpoint the exact parts of Patrick’s heart that needed the ablation. So the ablation he had done was their best effort - not exact science. But because of this, a second ablation isn’t feasible. So Patrick is back on the second and only other medication he can take to reduce ventricular tachycardias. And when it stops working, he will need to go to Seattle immediately. It’s always nice when there are medical providers who don’t mince words. Patrick doesn’t appreciate sugar coating. He wants the bare naked truth. So he is home for the time being. He and I both seem prone to meloncholy, when thoughts of his condition invade our thoughts and bring us down. I noticed he was in one this morning, and as usual wanted to make him smile. “I’ll wipe your butt until the day I die,” I said. “I’ll even use the toilet paper you prefer.” Because in marriage there should be no secrets - no topics off limits. I made him smile, yes, but I also added, “I will take care of you. I love you.” He is obviously not out of the woods. I may have mentioned in a previous post that he basically operates with nausea and bloating every single day. Some days it's worse than others, but it is always there. Food triggers it, and drinking any fluids. Today he was getting through his day, feeling reasonably well while sitting at our shop. Before he left he took a drink of water and immediately began to bloat. Then his heart started to race, before the pacemaker kicked in and paced him back down. Water. A drink of water led to a v-tach episode. “Your pacemaker is doing what its supposed to do.” Yes, but when will that not be enough? Some days I wonder what will be the straw that breaks that camel's back - his heart malfunctioning, or his decreased quality of life? When he is no longer able to eat solid food because of the discomfort it causes, or when he has an event that sends him in an ambulance to the ER and he is medevaced to Seattle? We had a good run of uneventful years. It’s like living on the Ring Of Fire. We know this here in Alaska - how many recent small earthquakes have we sat through, that have awakened us, spooked our dogs, swung our chandeliers? I first heard when I was in elementary school that we are overdue for a Big One. Patrick is overdue. It’s coming. I need to create an evacuation plan. I need to pack our bags, make sure we have batteries and water, survival food. I need to prepare our kids without terrifying them. I need him to write down what goes to his two oldest daughters, and what goes to his oldest son, and what goes to the younger children he and I share. We need to write wills. I need to research immunocompromised, and heart transplant recovery. I need to… I need to… I need to... *Photo is the first photo I ever took of Patrick, January 11, 2005*