As I’m sure most of you have heard the transplant was canceled. The optimism for #4 was through the roof, all the way from the Patrick and I and the kids, and all of you; to the doctors, transplant team, and UW camera crew. It was Go Time.
Once again the heart was found to be defective. We aren’t given details and that’s okay. We don’t need them. We transfer that optimism to the next call, and set our sights on #5 and the hope it will bring us.
But I wanted to share a post I wrote on the plane on Monday afternoon while the kids and I were flying to Seattle. Emotions were high, to say the least.
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5:48pm Alaska Time - What a whirlwind! Patrick called me at 12:57p to let me know they had another heart available. This one was not only a perfect match, but would be ready to go in just a few hours. He needed to be at the hospital by 4pm Seattle time. That's 3pm Alaska time.
Two hours. It's amazing what a mom can accomplish in two hours! (With the help of our village, of course!)
First, I panicked. I'm really good at that.
And then I cried. I'm also really good at that. Olympic level, if I say so myself.
Two hours. I made the decision almost instantly to take the kids with me.
Then the work began. I sent a flurry of texts, made arrangements with a good friend to care for the dog, lined up a house-sitter to make sure the house doesn't burn down while we're away, and called the airline about tickets. Once again they came through for us and arranged five tickets on a flight that left at 3:50p. Once again, we can't say enough about our hometown airline family, Alaska Airlines. They are true rockstars.
I put up an announcement on social media. I know I have a bunch of messages but have only gotten back to a select few via email.
I also know Patrick is in good hands. I have faith and confidence in the transplant team at UW. He is in excellent health. I will be at the hospital tomorrow when he wakes up from anesthesia, or shortly after.
Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers, as well as Jayden and his family. The two most important things are Patrick's physical wellbeing, and the spiritual and mental wellbeing of Jayden's family.
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Yesterday was a tough day for me. I felt sluggish and unmotivated. I have spoken before about the emotional heaviness of anticipating a massive traumatic event - the heart transplant. Yesterday it was as though I had scooped out a handful of the murky mixture holding back the deluge of emotions, allowing them to trickle out drop by drop. I suppose that was better than taking a wrecking ball to it and letting the emotions cascade from my heart, which surely would have left it in tatters.
This is an emotional landscape that his hard to navigate. The dam is made of hope and worry packed together so tightly one can’t tell where one emotion begins and the other ends. And it is holding back swirling levels of optimism and plans for the future - the traumatic surgery; Patrick’s extended expiration date; thoughts of life with him here and thoughts of life without him.
The trickle is better. The trickle is manageable.
Now we wait. I envision all of you sitting with us and we are as one body - all inhaling together in anticipation; holding our breath as we pray and hope; waiting to see if our exhalation will be a shout of joy or a disappointed sigh.
It brings me great comfort knowing we have a village of supporters traveling this path with us, ready with hands outstretched for when the dam breaks.
And as usual, we rely on humor in our darkest moments. I sent Patrick a care package that in my haste I forgot while packing on Monday. I included the blue note, knowing it would make him smile. He doesn’t know yet that I am sharing it with all of you. That makes ME smile!
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